The Wife

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

High Blood Pressure

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Physics

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" one young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.
"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

Busy Doctors

One fella walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his name, address and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she took down his height, weight, complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram. Then she told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. "Shingles," he said. The doctor asked, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Health Professionals in Heaven

Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them.
"What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?"
She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children."
"Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.
"I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied.
"Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse.
She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, "Well, you can enter, too."
"Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days."

Circumcision

One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first boy leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
"I'm here to get my tonsils out and I'm nervous," the second boy says.
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and
Jell-O. It's a breeze!"
"Well what are you here for?" the second kid asks.
"A circumcision." The first kid replys woefully.
The second kid says "Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn't walk for a year!"

The Coma

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

This is Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course in the backyard. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven -- you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's FREE!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

My Wife is Deaf

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

Info from the Doctor

A little old woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said, "Mount Sinai Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the patient is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the information from top to bottom, from A to Z."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you hold the line, please, that's a very unusual request?"
Then a very authoritative voice came on and said, "Are you the lady who is calling about one of the patients?"
She said, "Yes, darling! I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in room 302."
He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber - Finkel. Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her doctor says if she continues improving as she is, he is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be one of the close family?"
She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't tell me nothing!"

You told her what?

A woman went to doctors office where she was seen by one of the new doctors. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down in another room and told her to relax. The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor calmly continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Heart Surgeon

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running!

Too Late, He's Long Dead

The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

Expensive Operation

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband's snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."
"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."
"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "it sounds like leasing a new sports car!"